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21 December 2009 @ 12:51 am
Down 37 lbs.
13 lbs from the goal the clinic set for me.
Yesterday I had NO shakes. I had 1/2 cup cottage cheese and broth.
Today I had 1/2 shake, 1 cup cottage cheese and broth.
I just can't drink those shakes anymore.
The doctor wants me to go back on food.
I just want to lose another 33 lbs.
I'm strongly considering LYING on Tuesday and telling him I drank the goddamn shakes anyway.
On the other hand, I really want to eat Christmas dinner.
But, I also want to lose weight.
I know I want to lose weight more than I want to eat.
Can't I have the best of both worlds?
I guess not.
I bought a bikini to motivate me.
It doesn't even look half bad.
BUT, there is still plenty of work to be done.
Maybe I can wear it next summer?
On on my honeymoon?
I also want to peirce my belly button. 
Just because I can. No other reason. 
I swear I'm getting plastic surgery, 
if I still have this gunt after the weight is gone. 
Fuck me. 
I bought a hickory farms assortment the other day.
A cheese block, a sausage, and a box of crackers.
They don't expire until May, and I didn't want to miss out this year. 
It's stupid, but I feel like I'm missing out on the festive special at Swiss Chalet too. 
And of course Christmas dinner. 
10 December 2009 @ 01:07 am
Weighed in last night. Lost another 3.5 lbs which means I'm down 30.5 lbs. I'm sick and I feel like I'm dying, so I haven't eaten in two days. I don't really care. I slept all day today and now it's 1am and I'm kinda awake. I don't think I've ever gotten sick so much in my life, but I guess when you're losing weight your immune system is probably down.

It snowed like crazy last night so I'm kinda glad that I didn't have to go anywhere today. My fiance shovelled the driveway when he came home. I figure I do the laundry year-round so he can shovel for like 4 months of the year. Plus we only have one shovel.... I made it that way.... haha.... I'm terrible. Anyone have a snow-blower for sale?

My stepdad seemed to be in a good mood tonight when I called my mom and he said he would buy me a new winter jacket for Christmas. Thank God because the one I have now is like four sizes too big and kind of defeats the purpose.

My goal is to learn how to skate this winter. I bought used skates for $10 and I definately want to make use of them! They look practically new, they just need sharpened. I didn't want to spend $60 on skates if I'm just learning anyway. I used to know how to skate.... then I didn't for like 5 years and now I have no idea. Quite embarassing for a Canadian adult, I have to say. Definately not like riding a bicycle.

My house is a disaster. We were in Toronto this weekend... I took my best friend out for dinner on Saturday and the other five people at the table got to order delicious looking food. I ate my optifast-pudding. Oh well. At least my friends are super supportive. I couldn't imagine better friends. <3

Called my Grandma on Monday to wish her a happy 86th birthday. She's so old and cranky though, she kept going on about how I need to "lose my flab". Thanks Grandma. Fuck. I told her I was on a diet and had lost 30 lbs and that my diabetes is practically non-existant now and she said "well I never thought you actually had diabetes anyway"... yeah, normal sugar levels are definately "25". *rolls eyes*

Otherwise, nothing too eventful is happening. I'm sick as hell and all I want to do is sleep. I need some more cold meds and then I'm heading to sleep... again...
04 December 2009 @ 02:33 pm
The other day I had a craving for a Big Mac. I'm not a big fan of McDonalds in general, especially after having worked there for a period of time during my youth. Still, if I do go to McDonalds I would never order a Big Mac. It's not my thing.

Then yesterday we gave the kids tortilla chips and salsa as a treat at work. The tortilla chips were the cheap kind.... the ones with oodles of salt and plenty of trans fat. They smelled fantastic. So did the salsa, even though I'm not a salsa fan. I wanted a chip so badly.

But, one craving has been consistant throughout this diet is pizza. I have basically forbidden my fiance to eat any sort of pizza in my presence, and he agreed and is following through. He doesn't seem phased by the idea, but I think I'm dying a little inside.

The other night I was co-facilitating a focus group for one of the communities I work in. Dinner was included. There was lasanga, salad, rolls, garlic bread, and PIZZA. Not to mention cake, but I can live without cake.

I didn't have so much as a taste, but I couldn't help but smell the delicious smells. Something about the combination of cheese and carbs that drives me wild. Cheese on tortilla chips, cheese and pasta, cheese on pizza crust. Cheese on a buger.

I would rarely eat cheese by itself, unless it's the super expensive super delicious kind. But when you combine cheese with a carbohydrate it becomes a fantasticly fatty mess of comforting flavours and smells.

I think I just want the texture in my mouth. The soft crust coupled with the luke-warm cheese and the flavour of the sauce and toppings.

I'm not sure what is driving this craving. I genuinely just want to taste the delicious taste and feel the wonderful texture.

As soon as I am able to have some food I want a bowl of low-fat minestrone soup and a slice of pizza. Lots of veggies, not too much cheese, and not from those greasy commercial places.

I was reading through my weight loss manual and even though I can have some food after January 27th, I am not fully transitioning back to food until the end of February.

Twelve weeks just turned into sixteen weeks.

I would seriously be happy if I never had to drink another shake again.

I will balance my meals and not over-do it, but I think I will have a serious issue with these shakes once the end of February rolls around.

Anyway, enough about food. I'm off to Toronto in a couple hours and I still need to pack and shower. I love when I take a day off work but I find it hard to actually accomplish anything. Off I go...
03 December 2009 @ 02:02 am
Down another 7 lbs for a total of 27 lbs. I managed to lose 3 lbs of muscle though so the doctor is really pressing getting at least 3 shakes down just to get enough calories in. He even suggested that I eat some foods in place of a shake if I couldn't drink enough.... eggs, cottage cheese, or chicken.... but I'd rather not. I'm in this for the long haul, ya know?

Not much else is happening.... preparing for my stats exam and getting ready for Christmas.

I'm halfway there... I have another 27 lbs to lose before goal!
25 November 2009 @ 02:15 am
Weigh-in was today. I'm down another 6 lbs. That means I'm down 20 lbs. total. :)

You can really tell. I'm in size 16s now.

Hopefully I can maintain this rate of weight loss. If that's the case I can be down 50 lbs or even 60 lbs by the end of the 12 weeks. I mean, I've lost 20 lbs in only 4 weeks, so why not?

I'm sure it's more complicated than that.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and just finished the last bit of my stats assignment. I need to go over it and edit it a bit, but I can do that tomorrow during the day.

I have to sleepover at the hospital tomorrow night for a sleep study. Not looking forward to that. That means I can't sleep in tomorrow or take a nap. I pretty much sleep like an infant.

My fiance is going out of town for two days. Is it sad that I'm mostly worried about my cat being all alone tomorrow night? Hrm, thought so.

I can't wait until I hand this assignment in. So much stress off my shoulders. *sigh*

Time for bed.
18 November 2009 @ 12:06 am
Still doing well. I lost another 2.5 lbs. According to my scale I've lost more, but I usually weigh myself in the morning wearing less clothing so I'm sure that's why.

The doctor didn't seem to care that I'm only drinking 3 shakes or so a day, so I guess that's good then. Hopefully I don't lose any muscle mass. I just need to lose fat.

Not much else to report. Super busy with final assignments and such.

Oh my.... so I've developed an obsession with looking at recipes! I even bought two new recipe books today. Who does that when they are on a fasting diet? I don't know... I think it just reminds me that I will be able to eat again, food isn't going anywhere, and it's not the enemy. Plus it's fun to plan what I'll eat when I can eat again. Of course, looking for healthy things that I can make easily and that would make a complete meal. I especially love slow cooker recipes.


Oh well, whatever keeps me going.

So a couple ladies at the Optifast group were talking about cheating all week.... that's crazy. I haven't cheated once. You just end up cheating yourself.

Well, here goes another week....
16 November 2009 @ 10:57 pm
Life has been busy lately, with the semester winding up. I haven't had as much time to write.

I feel MUCH better now... almost no side effects. I'm also able to drink 3-4 shakes a day at normal consistancy without gaging. *thumbs up*

I bought three shirts this weekend... all size "large", rather than extra large or even 2X. I also bought a new pair of jeans that are a size 18. And not a plus-size store 18 either.... a normal store 18. So far so good.

Weigh-In is tomorrow. I hope I lose at least 3 lbs. I'd really like 5 lbs, but I can deal with 3 lbs.

I put up the Christmas tree last night. Early yes, but I do love Christmas. And we're hosting Christmas here this year. First Christmas with both sets of parents under one roof. We've done Easter here before, but Christmas is more personal - you know?

I put up the nativity scene, stockings, and wreath today too. I still need to "encourage" the finace to put up the outdoor lights but it gets dark so damn early now we'll probably have to do it on the weekend.

I could really go for some nice homemade stew today. One of my favourite winter things. <3

Oh well, it's only 10 weeks or 71 days to go.... then I shall eat healthy stew and ONE slice of pizza and then I will move ahead with my life and go wedding dress shopping.

13 November 2009 @ 01:14 pm
I feel much more positive about today.

My friend from my Optifast group suggested splitting up the shake packages and watering them down, but having them more frequently. So far I'm on shake number one (well, half of number one) but with 16 oz. of water instead of 10 oz. and I'm feeling pretty great. There is only a slight chocolate taste, but nothing gritty or whatever that texture was that made it hard to get down. Plus, I'm taking in more water, so that's good. I don't know what I would do without her, we email almost everyday and she has been fantastic. :)

So, the scales seem to go down about a pound a day. That is, with my pjs on and having just gotten up. Very encouraging. I think things are finally back in order because I'm off my insulin. My metabolism is actually working and my diabetes seem under control. I used to lose AT LEAST 3 lbs. a week, if not 4 or 5 lbs. at Weight Watchers before I had diabetes. Maybe it was because I was 18, and had never really tried to diet before, but I think it was more than that you know? I am only 24. That's still young enough to have good metabolism, no?

I did more bloodwork yesterday, so I'm curious to see what the results of that are. Hopefully they will confirm what those little glucose monitors have been telling me (I always doubt them for some reason).

I slept 12 hours last night and it was fantastic. I had some really weird sex dreams about an ex-boyfriend, but at least the dreams didn't involve me blowing my diet and eating food.

My period has been weird. It's all that gross brown blood. I haven't even attempted to use a tampon because I don't think there is enough there to work with. I only get a period every three months because I'm on the most fabulous birth control pill in the world, Seasonale. Sooo maybe everything is odd because of that? I'm suppose to get my real period in two weeks, so this should be lovely. I wonder what will happen then.... man, being a woman is complicated. Thank goodness my fiance is sterile. Oh, and we aren't irresponsible idiots. That helps.

I went to put my hand on my hips last night, and it fell off! There wasn't that normal roll of fat on my hip to keep my hand there! And my stomach does look smaller... and my boobs are definately smaller. Progress, finally. I find unless I can physically tell I've lost weight, the scale doesn't mean too much.... especially within the first couple of weeks.

So besides really wanting some nachos, I'm not doing too badly today. The kids had quesadillas at work last night and since then I just want salsa and cheese like mad! Oooooh well. I will manage. I feel good about today. And seriously, if I manage to get down three shakes, then I'm okay with that. Four would be better, but I don't need to be perfect.

Oh my goodness.... so I've been playing Wii Fit at night for something to do, and maybe some mild exercise (I'm still not convinced that Wii Fit is exercise) BUT it told me that I reached my weight loss goal. The game was all excited... and then it told me that I was losing too fast and that I might gain it back. Ha! Way to be encouraging... stupid game.

Alright, I'm off to start my statistics assignment and then get ready for work. I got an A on my last stats assignment, and a 95% on my sociology quiz. So far I'm not doing too badly this year. They're my last two courses afterall. :)
So, the shakes make me sick. Plain a simple. I tried dividing the fourth shake into the other three, and no luck. Now I can't finish the other three. I feel gross, I'm always nauseous. My poop hasn't been solid since Sunday.

What do I do?

I mean, I'm not hungry at all. I don't really desire food. I don't want to give up. This isn't too hard, I just can't drink these damn things.

It's getting to the point where I would rather eat nothing than drink shakes. And I'm okay with that, but I'd rather lose fat than muscle mass and I don't want to throw myself into starvation mode.

I lost 9.5 lbs last week, and 2 inches off my waist. I'm down 11.5 pounds and I no longer take insulin.

The results are good.... so I want to keep doing this. WHAT DO I DO?

The doctor said that if I can't drink them, I still stay on the program. I just see the dietitian more regularly and I stick to a 1200 calorie diet. But I mean, that didn't work before so why would it now? Maybe because I'm off my insulin? Isn't that pretty much the same as Weight Watchers, except Weight Watchers didn't take $3000 out of my pocket. I think maybe they refund some of the money, but I'm not sure.

I'm just tried of feeling gross. I'm tired, my stomach hurts, I randomly got my period, I still have a headache.

Fuck my life. Does it really matter if I can't get down all four? Isn't two better than none?
10 November 2009 @ 12:02 am

 I've completely given up the vanilla shakes. I only had four chocolate shakes left this morning, so I've only eaten two today and I'm only eating two tomorrow. It's only two days so it won't kill me. I am so disgusted by the vanilla that it is literally turning me off the whole idea of dieting anyway, and I don't want that to happen. It's better this way. I would rather be hungry than sick!

My body is adjusting to eating less anyway, and I feel bloated and pukey after I have four anyway.... I've been sucking them back anyway, because that's what they said to do, but honestly - is there no other way?

My Optifast buddy suggested beef or chicken broth though, and so far it is amazing. Each packet is 10 calories, so I can have two. I looove soup, so it does wonders as far as a comfort food goes and I've been craving soup for days... this is close enough. It was fantastic.

So, I was reading through my Optifast binder and filling out some of the sheets for tomorrow's class. It lists some foods we can eat as a subsitute for a package of Optifast mix.... 12 oz of skim milk OR 2 oz of lean meat OR 1/2 cup cottage cheese OR two eggs and 1/4 cup of juice. WHAT IS THIS ABOUT? I could be eating FOOD and less GROSS SHAKE? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I plan on asking about this tomorrow! If I can eat less shakes and like two eggs or some cottage cheese, I would be happy. Anything to end this nausea.

So this girl at work that I don't really like asked me if I was coming to the company Christmas party. I told her no. It's at a pub and that means greasy pub foods and alcohol. Normally that sounds like a pretty kickin' time, however it is not fun when you have to sit there "eating" the same shake you have "eaten" for the past four weeks while everyone else scarfs down chicken fingers, cheese sticks, nachos, and fries! Not to mention booze! So I'm not going... anyway she was like "noooo come come, you'll have fun!" and I tried to explain to her why this would be difficult and she just kept persisting. Finally, I told her that I spent $3000 on this program and that I would really rather not fuck it up. She ended up backing down, about damn time. As if I want to dance with my coworkers while sober.

I can't wait for my meeting tomorrow. I want to find out if any progress has been made AND it marks the end of my first week. Plus, it means I get more chocolate shakes. Thank God for that.

By the way, apparently my bank gave me another $8,000 on my credit card (despite it already being maxed out $8,000). Where was this limit increase two weeks ago? I could have put the diet on my credit card and paid way less interest. *grumble* 

Wish me luck!